Testostescopes: Your Man Translated Horoscope for 2016

featured image by Jack Moreh at Freerange Stock

Mars is in your third house, Saturn is on the rise, Uranus is raining on your spiritual growth parade… astrology is complicated stuff! It’s hard to get to the meat of the message sometimes. Fortunately we have simplified the process to the bare bones. Take advantage of your readings and understand them without feeling like you just got off a bad acid trip. It’s your Testostecopes for 2016!


CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20) 

Let’s get the disappointment out of the way: this isn’t your year for romance. If you’re already in a relationship, you’ll probably be okay. If not, don’t bother looking for one. Hey, that’s what you get for having such high standards.

Instead focus on your own business: family, work, and mastering all those skills you’ve been meaning to. While it may be tempting to amp up your air hockey game, try watching some tutorials relating to an applicable hobby to your life. You never know when a skill or talent may come in handy.


AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19) 

You’ll have a good year if you pay attention to your surroundings and don’t just blindly trust your instincts. Sometimes peace and war look the same and good intentions may blow up in your face. Really look at the whole picture of whatever you get into, whether it’s business, pleasure or personal. Don’t trust just anyone with your heart.

While you’re checking yourself, really look at who you are and how you handle things. Those habits that really irk you or hinder you might come to light. It’s time to nix those and move on. Don’t drag your ass.


PISCES (February 20 – March 20) 

You’re in a leap year which can be incredibly awesome for you, Pisces! Long-overdue praise is coming your way this year…the payoff you never thought would happen. Don’t drop everything and wait for it to come. Keep working hard and the rewards will be even sweeter.

Love is a bit rocky this year. You’re likely to encounter a lot of snakes and sirens, but there is still some good out there. Don’t linger on the bad and get all moody. Keep moving and find some new projects: ones that you are really interested in. You never know who is watching…


ARIES (March 21 – April 20) 

Get ready, Aries, because you’re in for a wild ride. 2016 is all about changes, especially at work. Don’t get too excited, it’s not a handout…its just a freaking horoscope, after all. If you want people to be happy for you, you need to stop butting heads with them. Make peace, not waves and promotions and other good things may be in store.

Before you brush this horoscope off and dismiss it as bull, try and exercise more. Put that negative energy to work instead of taking it out on everyone else.


TAURUS (April 21 – May 21) 

Holy crap, you’re a magnet! All kinds of opportunities are coming your way, Taurus, some that you saw coming and others that seem to be jetting right out of left field. Give yourself time to think about these offers and changes, even when it seems like you have no time to do so. You are good at being choosy and a real prima donna, so don’t even pretend to stress out.

Most importantly, remember every new door that opens has people on the other side. Push yourself this year and forge some new relationships at work. Partner up with another hard worker or someone with ideas. Showing you work well with others will pay off and will make you stronger emotionally.


GEMINI (May 22 – June 21) 

The duality of your sign is definitely showing this year. The influence of Jupiter (party animal) promises passion and excitement over new opportunities, while Saturn (wet blanket) tells you to slow down and remember to be careful. Generally you can tell Saturn to shove it, but he may be onto something. Finish some old stuff before you launch into new things. It will work out better for you.

You may find yourself open to new things. Embrace it and reap the rewards. Eat some vegetables. Go backpacking through Europe. I don’t know man, just switch it up.


CANCER (June 22 – July 22) 

We all know you slacked like a pro in 2015, Cancer. We’re very disappointed in you. Alright, alright stop crying. We were just busting your balls.

It might not be the most productive year for love or a job, but that doesn’t mean you have to go into hibernation and throw yourself a pity party. Capitalize on this slow period and harness your skills. The more you do, the more motivated you can become. That’s when things start happening, but ONLY if you take initiative first. No free rides.

Watch out for resurfacing exes.


LEO (July 23 – August 23) 

Your year is going to be straight out of San Francisco, Leo– the Summer of Love. Hopefully you have a good buddy in your life to keep you in check, because odds are that intoxication with love and good vibrations is going to hit you hard. You might also notice you will have a tendency to overspend and dry out your bank account. Know. Your. Limits.

Even though the larger world is calling to you and showing its delights, don’t forget to keep an eye on the home front. Family is still important and your friends miss you. Call your mom.


VIRGO (August 24 – September 23) 

Like Cancer, your 2015 was the Year of the Slack. Good job, Virgo, you really crapped the bed on that one. It’s alright, no skin off our nose after all. Don’t get too comfortable, you’re not going to be able to snooze your way through this year. Get ready to have a fire lit under your ass by none other than Jupiter.

While you’re rocketing through 2016 and finding new paths opening, remember to think before you march forward. You might not be able to go back and get a second chance. You have a wide array of bad habits that set in last year…drop them.


LIBRA (September 24 – October 23) 

Get ready for a wild ride, Libra…after a long, long wait of six months. Yes, the first half of your year is going to be a bit of a snooze fest– sorry. While you have some time on your hands, learn to stop your longstanding habit of having the occasional existential crisis. Say no to things you don’t want to do or be a part of. You’ll be amazed how much that helps.

When summer finally arrives, it will be like you suddenly find yourself attached to a jetpack. You can’t say yes to everything, as you’ve surely learned in the beginning of the year, but you what you do say yes to will be grand. You might find you enjoy things more than you thought.


SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22) 

What’s up, you sick freak? Your year looks pretty good, but you probably already knew that to some degree. You are super perceptive and are good at patting yourself on the back, aren’t you?

Anyway, enjoy your raunchy love life in the beginning of the year when it’s at its peak. Later in the year, you might find yourself more bogged down with financial and business opportunities. Tempting as it may be to invest in some things, take care of your debts and previous commitments first. Everything will work out better if you do.


SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21) 

Uranus is going to help you out this year. …Well, he was until you started laughing. What are you, 12?

A lot of people will be watching you this year. Maybe it’s all that hard work you put in for 2015…or your department is getting sick of you and it’s time for a transfer. Whatever the reason, you’re going to need some alliances when you move up in the world. Work on expanding your social circle this year. There are plenty of new people to meet, and you’re good at people.

Remember to keep your own life organized as your social circle expands. You like things tidy, but inviting new things in might jostle things around. It’s for the better, just run some regular maintenance on your life and indulge your inner control freak.


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